Why Dr. Strangelove Should Be the Coach of the Devils

NEWARK, NJ - JUNE 17: John MacLean explains the doomsday device to the press corp. (Photo by Andy Marlin/Getty Images)

Devils' Kovalchuk was benched for tardiness - NYPOST.com
Ilya Kovalchuk was scratched from Saturday night's game at Prudential Center against the Sabres for being 10 minutes late to the Devils' morning meeting, The Post has learned. According to a well-placed source, head coach John MacLean made the decision to scratch the high-profile, $100 million winger without conversing with Kovalchuk. General manager Lou Lamoriello was not consulted by MacLean before Kovalchuk was informed he would not dress for the match. The decision, rendered without explanation by the notoriously tight-lipped organization, sparked speculation -- that somehow evolved into accepted fact -- that Kovalchuk missed an entire meeting.

It appears that MacLean [...] used Kovalchuk's first incident of tardiness as an example in an attempt to send a message to his wobbly team.

Lets send a message, but not tell anyone what the message is. Remember, he didn't explain it to the players either, who had no clue what was going on. Which kind of defeats the whole purpose of "sending a message."

In a JftC exclusive, I have uncovered secret video of MacLean's meeting with Lamoriello about the Kovalchuk decision.

DeSadeski: The fools... the mad fools.

President Muffley: What's happened?

DeSadeski: The doomsday machine.

Muffley: The doomsday machine? What is that?

[discussion of what that is, and then]

Muffley: But this is absolute madness, ambassador. Why should you build such a thing?

DeSadeski: There are those of us who fought against it, but in the end we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race, and the peace race.  [...]  But the deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a doomsday gap.

Muffley: This is preposterous. I've never approved of anything like that.

DeSadeski: Our source was the New York Times.

Muffley: Dr. Strangelove, do we have anything like that in the works?

[Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley and DeSadeski, slowly turn their heads in search of Strangelove.]

Strangelove: [in wheelchair] A moment please, Mr. President. [stomps one foot on the tile floor, pushes back from the table and begins wheeling towards the discussion] Under the authority granted me as director of weapons research and development, I commissioned last year a study of this project by the Bland corporation. Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a practical deterrent, for reasons which, at this moment, must be all too obvious. [...]

Muffley: But, how is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically, and at the same time impossible to untrigger?

Strangelove: Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision making process which rules out human meddling, the doomsday machine is terrifying. It's simple to understand. And completely credible, and convincing.

Turgidson: Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines.

Strangelove: Yes, but the... whole point of the doomsday machine... is lost... if you keep it a secret! Why didn't you tell the world, eh?

DeSadeski: It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the Premier loves surprises.

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