"Good luck figuring that out, suckas." (Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images)
If you haven't heard, the NHL turned over a 76,000(!) page financial report to the NHLPA earlier this week. It's easy to speculate what actually went into the report, but then again, Donald Fehr said this is just part of the financial information they requested. With this data, the player's association hopes to form a counter-proposal early in July.
Well, lucky for you, I called around, asked nicely, and did some things I'm not proud of, and I have obtained a copy of that report. You can see the exclusive page-by-page breakdown after the jump.
Are you ready? Prepare to set your mind to blown.
Page 1: Title page
Pages 2-4: Copyright pages
Pages 5-120: Table of contents
Pages 121-509: A very special message from Gary Bettman
Pages 510-903: Introduction by Scott Howson
Pages 904-1,102: The definition of "labor" as described by William H. Sylvis, leader of the National Labor Union of 1866-1873.
Page 1,103: Another title page
Pages 1,104-1,672: Rundown of basic league financials
Pages 1,673-2,109: Charts and graphs stolen from Robert P.
Pages 2,110-2,459: Breakdown of expenses of last six years, team by team.
Pages 2,460-2,598: A chapter simply titled "The Coyotes"
Pages 2,599-3,978: Important stuff
Pages 3,979-6,003: Eh...I don't know, I just skimmed over this part, it was written in Greek.
Pages 6,004-6,201: Expense report on food purchased and consumed by Kyle Wellwood each year of his career
Pages 6,202-6,204: Hidden insults about Donald Fehr's mother
Pages 6,205-6,509: Sidney Crosby's medical bills
Pages 6,510-6,608: Report on money – including ad revenue – lost by the league due to Crosby's injury
Pages 6,609-7,000: Expense report on the construction of a bionic brain and its placement in Crosby's skull
Pages 7,001-8,489: Charts and graphs of ad revenue
Page 8,490: Cost to cut down the Dustin Penner National Forest (also known as his playoff beard).
Pages 8,491-8,879: Something about Hockey Related Revenue. I don't know...it gets awful preachy.
Pages 8,880-10,012: Blank pages
Pages 10,013-13,003: Copies of senior NHL administrators' dinner receipts from company meetings. Expensive dinner receipts.
Pages 13,004-13,503: Advertisement section and listing of bands coming to Toronto
Page 13,504: Full page ad congratulating the Los Angeles Kings on winning the Stanley Cup! WOO!
Pages 13,505-13,903: A plea from New York Islanders' owner Charles Wang titled, "Please Play for Less Money or I'll Move You to Kansas City."
Pages 13,904-15,549: Pages appear to be torn out by Bigfoot.
Pages 15,550-15,979: The NHL's stance on contract structuring.
Pages 15,980-17,150: The entire text of Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, used as a metaphor to explain the crux of the NHL's issue with front-loaded contracts.
Pages 17,151-17,670: Conclusion of contract structure stance.
Pages 17,671-19,101: Flip book of Bill Daly's butt on a copier.
Pages 19,102-21,993: Blank pages
Pages 21,994-22,302: NHL's agreement with NBC to tape-delay all NHL games starting in 2012-13, since tape-delay has been so well received by the public during the Olympics
Pages 22,303-22,304: Magic Eye photo that if you squint real hard you can see a penguin
Pages 22,305-22,909: Expense report on getting Will Ferrell to show up at the Hockey Hall of Fame (he's not cheap)
Pages 22,910-24,600: Report of financial damage caused to other NHL cities based on the clock stoppage during Kings–Blue Jackets game.
Pages 24,601-27,309: Report on financial damage caused to City of Vancouver after successful completion of multiple conspiracies over the past twenty years (Take my word, this is an excellent read!).
Pages 27,310-27,311: Two page photo of Bettman and Darth Vader high-fiving members of the Illuminati
Pages 27,312-46,999: Classified information blocked out with black ink
Pages 47,000-49,230: Afterword
Pages 49,231-53,789: Annotated bibliography of Homer's Odyssey
Pages 53,790-61,324: Index
Pages 61,343-68,009: French index
Pages 68,010-74,342: Spanish index
74,343-76,000: About the authors
Back cover: Book review from Zombie Franz Kafka
"This text has the most disorienting prose I've ever seen in a novel this size. I can't believe I didn't write it!"
Whew. I hope the players have their reading glasses handy. That's a lot to go over.