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Quisp-o-Matic Prediction Generator

I don't know what's going to happen in a best-of-seven series. I don't know who is going to show up and who is going to fold. I don't know who will get hurt or which crazy bounces will favor which team. I don't know which ref will swallow his whistle or which security guard will look the other way while a trainer sneaks onto the opposing bench between periods to measure stick curves. But I do know this. Most of the predictions you read are generated with my Quisp-o-matic DIY playoff prediction generator.

1. Sort teams into two groups, Perennials and New Blood.
2. Sort the Perennials into Elite and Usual Suspects.
3. Re-designate no more than one Elite team per conference as Chokers.
4. Pick one Cinderella per conference (from any group).
5. Put an asterisk next to anyone you think will have goalie problems.
6. Elite beats New Blood in five.
7. Elite beats Usual Suspect in six.
8. Usual Suspect beats New Blood in seven.
9. Any series with Chokers or Cinderellas are decided by a coin toss. Higher seed gets heads. Winner of coin toss wins series in seven games.
10. Tie-breaker: team you like more wins in seven games. (ignore asterisks; i.e. elite vs. elite* are tied)
11. (Only after applying all coin tosses and tie-breakers) For any asterisk: outcome reduced by a factor of one (e.g. if you were to win in seven, now you lose in seven; if you were to win in six, you now win in seven; if you were to lose in seven, you now lose in six; if you were to lose in six, you now lose in five.) Note that in all cases but one, the winner stays the same. But: a team with goalie problems, that otherwise would have won in seven, now loses in seven.
12. After you make your predictions, go through and flip a coin for every Elite team that won in seven games. If it comes up heads, change "wins in seven" to "wins in six."
13. The Conn Smythe trophy is awarded (if the team is elite) to the leading scorer (regular season) or captain (determined by coin toss) of the cup-winning team, or (if the team is not elite) to the goalie of the cup-winning team.

Therefore, my predictions:

ROUND ONE

ROUND TWO

• Chicago (elite*) vs. Colorado (new blood): Chicago in six.
• Vancouver (usual suspect) vs. Detroit (elite): Detroit in six.
• Washington (elite*) vs. Philadelphia (usual suspect): Washington in seven.
• Pittsburgh (elite*) vs. Buffalo (Cinderella): coin flip says Pitt in seven. BUT: asterisk flips that to Buffalo in seven.

CONFERENCE FINALS

• Chicago (elite*) vs. Detroit (elite): Tie-breaker says Detroit in seven. Asterisk reduces it to Detroit in six.
• Washington (elite*) vs. Buffalo (Cinderella): Coin flip says Buffalo in seven. Asterisk reduces it to Buffalo in six.

CUP FINALS

• Buffalo (Cinderella) vs. Detroit (elite): Coin flip says Buffalo in seven.
• Conn Smythe: Ryan Miller

And there you have it. Perfectly reasonable predictions. Just like the pros do.