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2015 Season Preview: Get to Know the New Kings

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Get to know them, except only know them how I know them, through terrible jokes.

Much like me in this post, Christian Ehrhoff crashes into the ground.
Much like me in this post, Christian Ehrhoff crashes into the ground.
Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

It's time to preview the upcoming season, and I thought it'd be cool if we got to know all of our new players. Everyone does that, though, so I just decided to write a bunch of bad puns here instead of tweeting them throughout the year. This is just efficient blogging.

Of course, hockey is unpredictable, and new situations will give way to new puns. That is just what hockey is: bad jokes and people yelling at me for making them.

The Kings signed Christian Ehrhoff to fill out their defensive core. However, there was a Christian Air Hoff that came before him.

Look at that Christian Hoff. He's really going through the air. If I had real skills or dedication, I'd superimpose Ehrhoff's beautiful face over this. Get to it, bloggers. Anyway, this is basically what it will look like every time Ehrhoff leads the rush out of the defensive zone against the Ducks.

Christian Ehrhoff is so great that we could probably refer to him as His Ehrness. If he winds up being a cross between David Hasselhoff and Michael Jordan, the Kings are definitely going to get their money's worth.

Though Ehrhoff will probably be the Kings' biggest value acquisition of the year, they also made a big splash by getting Milan Lucic. Some people like him, but I don't. Lucic their own.

If I change my mind and begin to feel very protective of him, he probably becomes Myson Lucic.

I think we all can agree that the Kings would have a better chance of winning the Stanley Cup again if he were actually Mulan Lucic. That woman won an entire war by herself. Lucic might not win a war, but hopefully he wins a few puck battles.

I didn't really have any jokes about new backup goalie Jhonas Enroth, so the Kings took care of things for me on Facebook:

That was very kind of them. It's also very accurate. He's basically just going to pick up whatever poops Jonathan Quick plops down in his own crease.

Let's be clear though: his name is not Jonas.

Brian O'Neill cracked the Kings roster thanks to his contract situation and a late injury to Dwight King. His name is incredibly boring. However, if O'Neill makes a baller pass to Dustin Brown to set up a goal, they would combine to form O'Captain.

Michael Mersch didn't make the roster. Hopefully it wasn't because he's too soft, or he'd be a real Merschmallow Man.

I honestly don't even know where you go with Jordan Weal's name. There are just so many options. You just spin the Weal... Hopefully he'll last more than a week so we all can try the Weal.

The Kings betrayed The Mayor by waiving Jamie McBain, but they did let Jeff Schultz stick around. Schultz is another boring name, but it does always make me think of this song by !!!. Whenever Schultz makes a mistake, just think "Shit! Schultz! Merde!" and you'll probably feel better. You may have to employ this technique often.

Another surprising addition to the defensive roster was Derek Forbort. Hopefully he is good at inspiring the Kings so they can win lots of games Forbort. Do it Forbort!

At the very least, Forbort will always have that time Beyonce included him in her lyrics for Drunk in Love:

Boy, I'm drinking, I'm singing on the mic til my voice hoarse
Then I fill the tub up halfway then ride it with my Forbort, Forbort, Forbort.

Not sure what Bey was aiming for with those lyrics, but I'm sure it was very cool for Derek nonetheless. It also was probably neat when Itchy & Scratchy Land made those novelty license plates for him.

I hope you are now more familiar with the Kings new players. Please don't unfollow me on Twitter. Thank you.