1. Dwight King Performed a Sacred Ritual to Appease an Ancient God with a Blood Sacrifice
Look, we all know that we suspect Dwight King of something peculiar. No one naturally smiles that much. He was conspicuously absent from the Kings roster until the month of December. I'm no expert in ancient occult mysticism, but three months sounds about right for a complex ritual involving the sacrifice of one's own bodily integrity.
He entered the lineup for the Kings and instantly started creating goals for the third line. This is the same line that was so snake bitten that they were saving their own shots because they felt bad for the Flyers or some crap like that.
Dustin Brown inadvertently makes the save on his teammate pic.twitter.com/iG22u6saHr— Stephanie (@myregularface) November 18, 2015
2. Tyler Toffoli is Literally an Elf
Let's just get to it. What are the signs of an actual North Pole elf? Boyish appearance? Check. Loves sweets? Tyler Toffoli LOVES cupcakes. Even his teammates have called him on this. He sends them to fellow teammates for their birthday.
Alec Martinez (@amartinez_27) August 1, 2015
Elves are also affectionate and amicable. He likes hugs. Maybe they like a cuddle or two. Would you believe Tyler Toffoli is an actual cuddle machine? He actually cannot stop. It is automatic and endemic to his nature. Expect it.
Finally, he was outright caught in uniform. Case closed.
Now that we've established that Toffoli is definitely an elf, we can imagine a conversation between him and the big man, Mr. Claus. Let's just say that Santa gets a lot of mail. Is it really so far-fetched to imagine that little Johnny Doe wants a nice winning record for the Kings in December? No, it's not. You fill in the blanks.
3. The Kings Thought it Was March The Whole Time
Here's the thing. The Kings are so used to playing through June that an extra two months of summer threw their internal clocks off. Jonathan Quick has yet to have a bad stretch of play. Kopitar is clearly out of the scoring slump that should be hitting now. Dustin Brown is, well, nevermind that one.
Here's the downside. Sometime in May when the Kings are marauding through an endless stream of Central Division teams, they're going to show up to the rink in swimsuits with floaties. They will look at the practice ice with confusion at the apparent phase of the water. Jonathan Quick will reflexively chuck water bottles to empty seats in the stands.
Dean Lombardi will eventually end the charade and the entire team will bond with a hearty chuckle. Drew Doughty will swear that he totally knew the whole time.
4. It Was Actually March the Whole Time
I mean, how do you know it wasn't March? What are you, Galileo? Didn't think so. By the way, if calendar science is so advanced, why did they name the calendar after a guy that just played with plants in the dirt?
5. They Hate Losing
After missing the playoffs last year, the Kings went on record saying many times that they "hate losing." This was new information. One might extrapolate that the Kings are also competitive players too.
So, what do you do if you hate losing? Well, you decide to start winning -- but not too much. No one loves winning all the time. So you lose some games too. You know, seem normal. There needs to be an even distribution. Some guys probably don't mind winning, but it's not their favorite thing to do every day.
Yet other teams don't seem to like winning at all. If the Kings just try to win against those teams more often, it will all seem to balance out. Heck, last time the Kings played in the playoffs, they tried to literally lose as much as they could before actually winning. That seemed to turn out pretty okay.