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LEAKED: NBC Broadcast Script

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It's Doc! It's Eddie! It's Pierre! It's Jeremy! It's Mike! It's HELL ON EARTH.

Oranges!
Oranges!
Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

[Introduction]

DOC: Hello everyone we're LIVE on the air here at Amalie Arena in Tampa Bay. We're gonna KNIFE AHEAD with the broadcast now

EDDIE: Really gonna need the Lightning to win the game tonight, I lost all of my money on the ponies yesterday. I love horses.

PIERRE: I'm standing 3 inches from Sidney Crosby and his neck smells like oranges. Got a feeling he's gonna have a MONSTER game

[First Period]

DOC: Callahan is MATRICULATING HIS WAY through the offensive zone and he CROMULATES a shot on goal. WOW what a SERENDIPITOUS save by Murray!

EDDIE: Haha, those words don't make any sense. Bet Nyquist in the Preakness folks.

DOC: Oh my!

PIERRE: Saw Nyquist born and that horse was RIDICULOUS out of the womb the first time he ran a track back in Kentucky with his father Uncle Mo watching and he was a FORCE!!!!!

[First Intermission]

LIAM: I hate my life.

JEREMY: Sidney Crosby is doing NOTHING out there today.

LIAM: Callahan injured him 4 seconds into the game

JEREMY: INVISIBLE! No effort whatsoever! Gotta play through pain!

LIAM: His leg is broken in four places. He might die.

MIKE: I don't wanna be TOO hard on Crosby, BUT! I also agree he needs to do more. Haven't seen him score a goal since literally the last time he played. It's a joke!

LIAM: Please save me

[Second Period]

DOC: Here comes Crosby TWISTING on his crutches, he WHIRLS around a DERVISH OF A DEFENDER and he SCORES!

EDDIE: I would be impressed by that goal but Crosby shot it up high. The goalie was down early. The book is out on this Vasilevskiy guy. You gotta shoot high on this guy. Unimpressive goal by Crosby. He should be ashamed of himself.

PIERRE: In the intermission I asked Jon Cooper if he'd like to go to dinner after the game but he pretended not to understand what I was saying. Haven't had an embarrassment like this in at least 24 hours folks!

DOC: What did you think of the SHLARMING goal though?

PIERRE: One time I saw a kid by the name of PEGLEG PORTER score a goal like that on a young Henrik Lundqvist back in Sweden. I smuggled myself there in the luggage of one of the coaches.

DOC: Wow!

[Second Intermission]

MIKE: Jeremy I swear to God I will fight you

JEREMY: Mike! You gotta listen to me on this one! Ben Bishop will NEVER WIN A CUP if he doesn't do a BETTER JOB as the backup goalie.

MIKE: That's it. I'm taking off my shoe.

[Third Period]

DOC: We have a 1-0 game here late in the third and Matt Murray has made 65 saves.

EDDIE: Just a great performance by the Penguins. They scored on all of their shots!

PIERRE: Gotta think Vasilevskiy's gonna want that one back.

EDDIE: I agree Pierre, he was just down so early.

DOC: Wasn't he tackled by Brian Boyle.

EDDIE: I DON'T CARE!

DOC: Meanwhile, Tyler Johnson FORKS a TROPICAL pass over to Ondrej Palat, HE'S IN ALONE!

PIERRE: Why am I alone

DOC: Palat dekes! Incredible save by Murray! His 66th!

EDDIE: I wonder if Fleury will start game 4.