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10 names from the 2020 draft class that sound fictional

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I’m not convinced these players exist in real life.

QUEBEC CITY, QC - OCTOBER 26: Mavrik Bourque #22 of the Shawinigan Cataractes skates during his QMJHL hockey game at the Videotron Center on October 26, 2019 in Quebec City, Quebec, Canada. Photo by Mathieu Belanger/Getty Images

One of my favorite things about hockey being an international sport are the names we get treated to every year in the draft. It reminds me of when my mom and I would read the newspaper when I was growing up, reading every single name off the birth announcements, weighing how much we liked the sound of it.

Looking forward to the 2020 NHL Entry Draft, which might be the last meaningful NHL event this year, I wanted to get a feel for this draft class based on their names. (By the way, did you know there are two different Dylan Robinsons playing in the OHL who are draft eligible this year? That’s weird, right?)

Slowly, I started to notice a trend. This draft is chock full of leading male character names. If I wasn’t reading off of Elite Prospects, I would’ve assumed I accidentally opened up a character name generator. I refuse to believe any of these boys are real.

To be perfectly clear: all of these names rule. I want to hear these names read by PA announcers and broadcasters across the country and I hope for all of these boys that it happens for them.

But also, here’s what each of these insanely good names make me think of when I first hear them:

Mavrik Bourque

This name was created by an extremely niche name generator that asked for an edgy bad boy hockey player name. He breaks the main character’s heart when she finds out he only asked her out as a joke, but he started to have real feelings once he got to know the real her.

Kasper Simontaival

A book about a twenty-something woman who travels abroad to find herself and meets a Scandinavian man who treats her kindly, which freaks her out because emotions are complicated and maybe her boyfriend died or something? Anyway, this Kasper fella is suddenly in her life and disappears just as quickly — like a ghost, get it? — leaving a lasting impression and weirdly just one photo of them together, that she keeps pressed in a book she bought at the airport on the way home.

Jaromir Pytlik

This player doesn’t exist. Frankly, I just imagine Tyler Pitlick with Jaromir Jagr’s flow.

OTTAWA, ON - DECEMBER 21: Philadelphia Flyers Right Wing Tyler Pitlick (18) during warm-up before National Hockey League action between the Philadelphia Flyers and Ottawa Senators on December 21, 2019, at Canadian Tire Centre in Ottawa, ON, Canada. 
Grow a mullet, kid!
Photo by Richard A. Whittaker/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

John-Jason Peterka

This guy was one of Rory Gilmore’s boyfriends, probably from when she was at Yale, or introduced through her grandparents. Or a love interest from a teen romcom, like To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. Something about a hyphenated first name, the swagger of choosing John-Jason over going by JJ just makes you wanna root for the guy, right?

Xavier Simoneau

Mysterious French love interest for an original background character that’s obviously self-insert for the 13-year-old who wrote it in Anne Rice fan fiction — before Rice started suing people for writing fan fiction.

Landon Slaggert

This is the name that the Niall Horan character gets when One Direction fan fiction has to change everyone’s names so it can go to publish.

Bbc Radio 1’S Teen Awards, Wembley Arena, London, Britain - 07 Oct 2012
“This goes out to Y/N!” said Landon Slaggert.
Photo by Brian Rasic/Getty Images

Jake Neighbours

When you wanna write the boy-next-door, but you have to make sure everyone knows he’s Canadian.

Bear Hughes

Bear Hughes is a Scott McCall type leading character, a teen heartthrob athlete with a heart of gold. The Fictional Bear Hughes is very sweet and genuine and kind and insanely dumb. Bear Hughes said “himbo rights.”

Ivan Ivan

The absolute power this name holds. Ivan Ivan: A name so strong, you have to say it twice. Unfortunately, Western writers are uh, pretty gross about writing Eastern European characters, so I won’t list the litany of stereotypes a character named Ivan Ivan would likely embody. I just needed to point out how good this name is and how happy I am that it exists in the world.

Daemon Hunt

This is the guy from The Vampire Diaries, I know it.

SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 12: Actor Ian Somerhalder speaks onstage at the "The Vampire Diaries" panel during Comic-Con International 2015 at the San Diego Convention Center on July 12, 2015 in San Diego, California.
This guy is named Daemon Hunt, I’m pretty sure.
Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images

Will any of these names become huge stars, just because they have a super star name? Who can say?

All I know is that my mom always told me to not judge a book by its cover, but every year she would make her Super Bowl prediction based on the team whose uniform she liked better — and she rarely missed.