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Please stop making me know things about Brooks Laich’s sex life

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I have never wanted to know less about a topic than this.

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - SEPTEMBER 20: (EDITORIAL USE ONLY) Brooks Laich attends the 2019 iHeartRadio Music Festival at T-Mobile Arena on September 20, 2019 in Las Vegas, Nevada. Photo by David Becker/Getty Images for iHeartMedia

I feel like I can’t write this without laying a few conditions on the table, because this is the type of topic that can get turned around just by bringing it up. So let me first make two things clear:

  1. I am not a prude. Okay? I’m simply not. I spent my entire college career working in the campus health center as a sexual health peer educator. I did not re-write the lyrics to Justin Bieber’s 2010 hit single Baby to be about STDs and then perform the Ludacris verse myself to audiences across southwest Michigan just to be accused of being a prude. We’re all adults here, okay?
  2. Brooks Laich is, by all means, a Very Good Dude. Like, probably better than the majority of hockey players type of Good Dude, and by every account, has been for basically his whole life.

This is by no means a condemnation of Laich, just as much as it is not a condemnation for being horny.

In fact, to prove I am not slut-shaming Mr. Laich, let me just say that much of this information can be traced back to his podcast, How Men Think. If that’s the source, you know what, I’m all for it. Go ahead and talk about your sex life on your podcast, Brooks! Educate these hunnies and break down toxic masculinity! I believe in you!

But to my fellow writers, I would like to believe that we are not so content-starved that we must report on every new thing Brooks Laich and his wife Julianne Hough are doing (or apparently not doing) in bed and here’s why:

Post-hockey career, Brooks Laich has become Hockey’s Wife Guy — but it’s so much worse than that because he’s now become a toe-sucking Wife Guy. The very nature of a Wife Guy is that at any moment, they are prepared to talk to you about how They Have A Wife and you know what? That’s fine. That’s small talk. That’s cake, frankly, and a conversation I’m ready to endure.

But Toe-sucking Wife Guys are prepared to talk to you at any given moment about how They Have A Wife And They Suck Her Toes Proudly. You know what I am not equipped to handle at any given moment? A discussion on toe-sucking, proud or of any other variety. I’m not well-versed in the subject and it’s not been something I hoped to pick up in quarantine, much less from Brooks Laich, who I feel comfortable in saying is probably an amateur toe-sucker, at best.

Ugh, great, now I’m thinking about shameful toe-sucking. Or guilty toe-sucking. Jesus christ, this sucks so much, and I don’t even know if Brooks Laich actually sucks toes. Please, no one ever confirm that for me.

To top it all off, I know why you’re really writing about this. You’re not so desperate for content that “Brooks Laich doesn’t feel like fucking during a pandemic” sounds like a good story. The fact is that people really want to know how Julianne Hough fucks. Or doesn’t fuck! Which is dumb and gross, anyway!

This goes on for pages! Pages!

But you know what the side effect of wanting that information is, huh? Do you? Because it’s knowing how Brooks Laich fucks. This is now information that you and I and the rest of the SB Nation reading public now have.

I want you to ask yourself, is your life truly better for knowing how Brooks Laich fucks? Is this what coronavirus has brought us to as a society?

We don’t have to do this. We can be better than this.

I want to believe we are better than this.