Previewing the next gen hockey game that will define the sports video game genre.
EA Sports, long known as the leader in sports simulation, is proud to announce NHL 2115, yet another revolutionary take on hockey - and gaming as we know it!
If It's In The Game, It's In The Game
Play as any of the league's 68 teams! Available for use are classic teams like the Toronto Maple Leafs, Las Vegas Addiction Abuse or - unbelievably, improbably - the Phoenix Coyotes. Also playable are new teams like the Honolulu Soul Surfers, Salem Hunters, or Toronto Maple Leafs 2: The Sequel Is Even Worse Somehow.
As always, the NHL series provides you with many game modes. The standard features are as follows:
- Fight to the Death - Fight your neighbor! Fight your grandma! Fight some tiny annoying Canadian kid with too much damn free time! Beat. The. Snot. Out. Of. Each. Other. New Prime Punch Physics™ mean you see teeth fly out of your stupid skull with full realism. Watch your dumb tooth bounce off the ice. "It's so real," says Clapbomb 'Beauty' Orr II, "it's just like the many times I got my face caved in before retiring thanks to us never fixing that pesky concussion problem. Darn! I wonder why that culture was so hard to erase? Anyway I'm gonna go relive my glory days!"
- Franchise Mode - Get Out And Vote! Rock The Vote! It's Important! Vote For Your Favorite Player To Grace Our Cover Today! Is He A Bad Dude? Glorify That Moron Immediately!
- Hockey's Ultimate Team - Collect "cards" of players to assemble the "ultimate" team. Give us all your damn money. Fork it over you ding dong. Trust me. You'll win this way. Here, have this 4th-liner, asshole. He's the only NHLer in your $15 pack.
- Online Play - Get into an online game lobby once every several minutes only to be shamed into leaving by a foul-mouthed teenager on the rare occasion you can actually connect to our terrible servers. Teenagers are now simulated by robots created in the image of Average Everyteen. Years of illegal recordings and independent studies went into crafting these bots to perfection. You'll really feel like you're being harassed by a 13-year old!
- Shooutout - As has always been the case, shootouts are the best part of hockey. Use the Hyper Skill Stick™ to pull off slick dekes and beat the goalie. Access the HSS™ system by randomly jamming the right joystick in every which way. One of those maneuvers is that cool move you did by accident that one time. Keep at it, you'll figure it out!
- Season Mode* - I dunno what this is. I guess you try and play the game here. Not sure why we have it./
In an effort to cater to your needs, EA Sports has streamlined the complaint process. Your video game system of choice begins recording what you say immediately after you say the f-word. The recording is then played back to the game's programmers, who proceed to beat each other with keyboards and mice out of confusion. I know what you're thinking - hasn't technology here in 2114 long-since surpassed keyboards and mice? Yes. Yes it has.
You may notice a lack of playable modes in this year's game. EA Sports feels it is in everyone's best interests if we just give up on the hockey aspect of the game. According to a survey, 5 out of 6 random homeless people don't know what hockey is, and the other person was Darren McCarty's great great grandson. Thus, we deemed that hockey is not a required aspect of this series going forward.
*To properly simulate the complete lack of hockey in this year's hockey game, whenever you try and start a game in this mode, you get locked out of your console for anywhere from two months to a full year. The unpredictability is what keeps you coming back.
EA Sports has long been criticized for its failure to include women, so we decided to really get you ladies involved this year:
- Pink! It's What's For Girls! - At EA Sports, we really understand you fine females. In this mode, the menus of the game turn pink! Cycle through our god forsaken sliders, adjusting our literally unplayable game to new heights of horrid, in pink!
- Ice Girl Mode - The ladies should feel truly blessed here. Skate around in skimpy outfits and shovel ice! If you shovel real good, you can unlock even skimpier outfits. We love women. We're not like the other guys. Trust us, this mode probably isn't as bad as you think. Give it a shot before you complain./
Two additional methods of play have also been added:
- Expansion Draft - In this version of the game, you can pick a new city for this broken league to not play its dumb games in. Experience the thrill and excitement of an expansion draft, where you can choose all of the players that already-spread-thin teams cast off all like, "screw it, we don't need that dude any more!"
- Hellscape Mode - Never forget that the outside world is a brutal, unlivable wasteland. In this mode, you exit the arena and fight off your tyrannical and enormous ant overlords with hockey sticks and poorly sharpened skates. You will die, and there isn't any point to this aspect of the game so we're certain that this mode will fit right in with the rest of the series./
The Final Score
EA Sports' award-winning NHL series is once again poised to be the most authentic hockey simulation on the market. As such, we've decided to bump the price up to $129.99 per month to access this game. You will buy this, even at its elevated price, because it continues to have little or no competition, and you have to get your fix. Enjoy!Follow @dightkwingFollow @JFTC_Kings