"I Like That Place With The Spare Ribs": Lockout Negotations Revealed

Negotiations get hot and heavy when Gary Bettman won't budge on new proposal.

The NHL and NHLPA met this month and actually talked about the financial issues that plague the current state of the league. Or so it would seem. The JftC official fly-on-the-wall reporter was there to capture the essence of the negotiations.

Donald Fehr enters meeting room with Gary Bettman

Donald Fehr: Mr. Bettman, how nice to see you once again.

Gary Bettman: 50/50 spilt.

Fehr: What?

Bettman: 50/50 split.

Fehr: What are you talking about? I thought we were just gonna talk about the catering company to use for our next meeting four weeks from now. Personally, I like that place with the spare ribs...

Bettman: No. 50/50 split.

Fehr: Okay, okay. I see what you're trying to do here. Playing hardball, eh? Well, I know your little game. You want the media on your side. Well, it's not going to be that easy. No siree.

Bettman: 50. 50. Split. HRR.

Fehr: Mr. Bettman, if you don't want to get down to business and talk about the type of soap we should use on the team planes, then I'm just going straight to the media. I might even bring some players along. Guys like Kevin Westgarth and George Parros literally have nothing else to do. Think about that for a second, because I'll do it.

(Bill Daly enters)

Daly: Mr. Fehr, Mr. Bettman, good morning.

Bettman: Fifttttttttyyyyyy. Fiffffffffffffttttttttttttyyyyyyyy.

Daly: Okay, that's kind of weird...

Fehr: Sir, you need to do something about your associate. He won't negotiate about useless crap, and I'm getting frustrated. Quit wasting my time, or I may be forced to complain to the media.

Daly: Not if I talk to them first! I'm going to talk so much crap about you and the players in the media, it'll make your head spin!

Fehr: I'd like to see you try.

Bettman: Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

(Daly and Fehr stop arguing, look at Bettman)

(Long pause)

Bettman: 50/50 split.

Fehr: I think we're done here.

Daly: Yeah, that's fine, just walk away. Just ruin everything. You ruiner. You ruining ruiner. Ruin hockey like you ruined baseball.

Fehr: I'm ruining hockey?! You already ruined hockey like eight years ago!

Daly: You're crazy. You don't even know history.

Fehr: The fans are going to hate you soooo much.

Daly: No, the fans are going to hate you sooooooo much. They will hate you, and they will hate your dumb face. Then they will go to your house, and hate your dumb house and your dumb lawn flamingos.

Fehr: Nuh-uhh.

Daly: Yeah, Uh-huh.

Fehr: Come at me, bro!

Daly: I don't have to. I'll go find a microphone and a reporter, then you'll be sorry.

Fehr: I am sooooo over this.

(Fehr leaves)

Daly: Jeez, can you believe that guy, Gary. What a putz.