It seems like it was just last week that we found out about Tyler Toffoli the cuddle machine.
What went wrong for the cupcake pierogi literal child high-scoring winger?
Did Tyler Toffoli succumb to peer pressure? The Kings are well known around the league for being a big, heavy, hard-hitting team that’s “difficult” to play against. Toffoli, meanwhile, is 14th on the team in hits, which isn’t very good if you’re into that sorta thing. I firmly believe that this was an example of a young player trying to fit in with his much more rugged teammates. Have the Kings ruined yet another talented young winger?
His only previous run-in with the law was that time he got busted by for shoplifting a video game.
Luckily for him, the mischievous little scamp mostly got away with his ill deed. Since this incident occurred 3 months before the start of his NHL career, the Department of Player Safety was not aware of it. Fortunately for the Kings, this allowed the DoPS to let Tyler get away with yet another malicious crime.
It’s common knowledge in hockey circles that dirty hockey hits are just a gateway hit to serious hits – like Hitting The Bong. From there, who knows what could happen to Tyler Toffoli.
Tyler is now at a fork in the road of his life. If he’s not careful, he will absolutely do the following six things as a result of Breaking Bad:
- Smoke Drugs. There’s no question about this. Tyler Toffoli is going to smoke many drugs now. Just because of that hit.
Deal Drugs for Smoking. It’s a proven fact that every single person that smokes any kind of drug also sells drugs. For smoking. Do you want a drug dealer on your hockey team?
Become a Kingpin. Much like the famous Walter White, Tyler Toffoli has an alliterative name. His ascent to villainy was also one of the most unexpected things that has ever happened. He’s also my other favorite T.T., after Tina Turner (because she wrote this song about Anze Kopitar). All signs point to Tyler Toffoli being the mastermind of a criminal enterprise.
Murder. He already tried to get Alex Burrows. Luckily, Alex was able to return to the game after it was freed of Tyler Toffoli’s murderous rage. There’s no doubt that a drug dealer who also smokes drugs will murder someone. Will it be Alex Burrows? Another Canuck? Hopefully Corey Perry? Who knows. It’s a mystery. It could be you. It could be me. Tyler Toffoli will stop at nothing once he’s gone down this path. Stop at nothing to get what? I also don’t know this. Eternal life? The perfect mixture of chocolate syrup/powder and milk in a glass of chocolate milk? Money? A free Slurpee on July 11th before every single 7-11 runs out of Slurpee stuff except for that one Slurpee flavor that he hates? Power and control? It’s a mystery, but he won’t stop once he starts. And that means you and me might have to die. All because he hit Alex Burrows.
Become a Kingpin. He’s also going to lose his hair and hand en route to becoming a professional bowler. There’s nothing he can do about this. It’s just part of the life of a bad man. I’m sorry Tyler.
Never Win the Stanley Cup. This is obviously the most important thing. Bad people seem to have a lot of apathy about what players do away from the game, no matter how bad the player’s actions get, and a lot of bad people like hockey. This spells serious trouble for Toffoli. Not one player ejected from a game for a boarding major has ever won the Stanley Cup after that point in their career. Look it up. It’s real*.
*may not be real.
It’s all on Tyler’s shoulders now. He can return to his roots as a cutie patootie, or he can become history’s greatest villain. Have the Kings – with their toughness and grit and hitting – already broken Toff and pushed him past the point of no return? Probably.