Q: Darryl Sutter, you just won the Super Bowl, what will you do next?
A: Pardon?
Q: Darryl Sutter, you just won the Super Bowl–
A: Heck of a game we played. 28-24.
Q: What will you do next?
A: Haven’t seen the cows in awhile.
Throughout his time as coach of the Kings, Darryl Sutter’s post-game interviews have developed a devoted following. They have been terse, informative, combative, frustrating, entertaining, and everything in between.
The real shame in all of this is that Darryl Sutter hasn’t given post-game interviews at every important sports thing that has ever happened. What if Darryl Sutter was the manager of the Cubs when Steve Bartman interrupted game 6 of the 2003 NLCS? What if Darryl Sutter played for Team USA when they upset the Soviets in the 1980 Olympics?
Thanks to the power of my surprisingly sober imagination, we can now find out.
What if Darryl Sutter was Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll after this play?
Q: Darryl, what went wrong on Russell Wilson’s pass?
A: [Darryl scratches his forehead and squints.] Thought we ran a heck of a play. Did everything we wanted except score a touchdown. Snapped the ball. Passed it. Heck of a play.
Q: Did Russell make a bad pass or–
A: No.
Q: Did you think about handing it off to Marshawn Lynch?
A: Thought about it.
Q: Why didn’t you run the football?
A: Why wouldn’t we pass it? Marshawn could fumble it. Russell’s a good quarterback. Why didn’t Russell run it? Now there’s a question. He coulda ran with the football. [Darryl pauses briefly.] I can’t run the football, just the plays. [Darryl chuckles at his own joke.]
What if Darryl Sutter was Boston Red Sox manager John McNamara after this play?
Q: Darryl, it was your call to leave Bill Buckner in the game–
A: Was it? Geez. Didn’t know that.
Q: Err… why did you leave him in instead of making a defensive replacement, unlike games 1, 2, and 5?
A: Gotta earn it in this league. Bucks earned it.
Q: What did you see on the play?
A: Quite honest, not much. From where I was sitting, there were those protective bars and some wiring in the way. We’re kinda down low lookin’ up. [Reporters laugh.] Don’t laugh, it’s not funny. I couldn’t see.
Q: What did you say to the team after the loss?
A: First pitch at 8:15 on Monday.
What if Darryl Sutter was Brazil coach Luiz Felipe Scolari after this performance in the 2014 World Cup?
Q: What was the difference between your team and Germany today?
A: They allowed 1, we allowed 7. Pretty big difference.
Q: Did your team succumb to the pressure of playing in their home country?
A: No. Did our home country line up eleven men opposite our team? I think we succumbed to the pressure of playing against a very good team.
Q: Is it more embarrassing to lose like this here in Brazil than it would be elsewhere?
A: Is there a good place to lose by 6 goals? Geez, if there is, I wish we coulda played there today.
What if Darryl Sutter was Jean Van de Velde after the 1999 British Open?
Q: Darryl, how did you react to your performance on hole 18?
A: [Darryl grimaces.] Went out and lost the playoff on holes 19, 20, 21 and 22.Q: What went through your mind as you went into the water to get your ball?
A: Didn’t want to get my shoes wet. Didn’t want to get my pants wet. Expensive pieces of clothing. Sometimes I like to joke with the other players, ‘Aw hell, the clothes cost more than the clubs!’Q: Ever have any thought about laying up or playing it safe?
A: Quite honest, no. That first shot, from the rough, that one wasn’t too bad. Lie was good. I just put that in the stands. That’s on me. After that, had a bad lie in the horse… road apples. Before that though, why would I play it safe? Coulda taken a 6 on the hole. After the first shot, had 5 shots left, so that means that double the first shot and no matter what I had 4 shots left; had a good lie, and with my lie I’m thinking I can get it close to the green and get it in with, how many left? 2 shots? 2 shots left. Made a bad swing. Ran out of shots. Still had a chance to win the playoff. Ran out of shots there too.
What if Darryl Sutter was Chris Webber after calling this timeout?
Q: Darryl, what were you thinking when you called a timeout?
A: That I wanted to stop the game. That’s why you call a timeout, right?
[Darryl Sutter looks around briefly before flashing a quick peace sign and walking out.]