Today’s letter comes from north of the border.
Dear Dr. Google:
Why is life so unfair? If it weren’t for the refs, we would be up three games to zero, but thanks to that terrible call in overtime in game two, and the worst call in the history of video review in game three, we are losing a series to an obviously inferior opponent. What galls me the most is the clear bias. For example, Detroit (a U.S. team) routinely has several extra forwards for minutes at a time, and the refs turn a blind eye, but when we accidentally have two extra guys on the ice for maybe a second or two, suddenly it’s time to enforce the rules? Yes, the refs were Canadian, or might have been, I have no idea where they’re from, actually, but let’s not forget Canada’s a big place and most of it has it in for us out West. You’ve got your American bias and your Eastern bias and it’s screwing us three times because don’t forget our stars are Swedes and Don Cherry hates Swedes because he thinks Europeans don’t play hockey the “right” way, and what is that but thinly-veiled gay-bashing? There’s really no way around it. If you think that was too many men, you’re a racist homophobe! Then there’s the waived-off goal thing. Sure there was a little kick there. But I can show you several thousand examples of kicked in pucks, with bigger kicks than that, that were allowed to stand. Why is our little toe poke singled out for sanction? Even if you think that goal should have been waived off, you can’t tell me it’s fair to have the decision ultimately be made by a popular alum of our opponent (and frequent dinner guest at the shared home of Gary Bettman and Phillip Anschutz), who has stated on the record that there is nothing he wouldn’t do in his quest to see the Kings win the cup during his tenure as Head of Screwing Everyone Else Over. How is that right? How is it right that three American teams who, without “help,” everyone knows would have finished 13, 14 and 15 in the conference are suddenly magically getting all the bounces? Bounces are random! Bounces don’t play favorites! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to connect the dots. All anyone needs to do is ask: where are pucks made? It’s the question no one dares ask. Because if the bounces aren’t random, it’s either the ice or the pucks and it’s not the ice because we invented ice. Bigoted US-made pucks — that’s a story you won’t see reported in the mainstream media (don’t get me started). Go ahead and put your head in the sand Dr. Google. I know you won’t print my letter.
— B.C. Face Painter
Dear Face Painter:
I had to consult with my colleague Dr. Wikipedia, who has this to say about your case.
Delusional disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis denoting a psychotic mental disorder that is characterized by holding one or more non-bizarre delusions in the absence of any other significant psychopathology. Non-bizarre delusions are fixed beliefs that are certainly and definitely false, but that could possibly be plausible, for example, someone who thinks [the refs are out to get you]. […] A person with delusional disorder may be high functioning in daily life and may not exhibit odd or bizarre behavior aside from [the belief that the league wants you to lose]. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) defines subtypes of the disorder characterized as erotomanic, grandiose, jealous [and] persecutory.
Dr. Wikipedia and I believe that you are suffering from the persecutory type, about which:
Persecutory delusions […] are the most common type of delusions observed [in the population of sports fans whose teams aren’t as good as they think]. The affected [fans of under-performing teams] believe they are being persecuted. Specifically, they have been defined as containing two central elements:
1. The individual thinks that harm is occurring, or is going to occur.
2. The individual thinks that the [league and officials] have the intention to cause harm.
The perceived persecution may involve the theme of being […] cheated, […] conspired against […] or obstructed in the pursuit of goals.Treatment is usually anti-psychotic medication combined with cognitive therapy and an improved PK.
Good luck!
— Dr. Google